A Time.

It's that alone feeling, yet this time it is subtly drenched in a vague nostalgic veil. In this place, looking down into the courtyard protected by beige buildings, I feel a longing for my childhood back. The parts of childhood where I forgot about the abuse my father inflicted upon my mother, where I forgot how broken my family really was outside of the 80 degree paradise that was the small, small town of Bradley. Most of my memories were made at that dilapidated house, renovated like new by the time I was ten years of age. The dirt hill that eventually formed its way into a garage, or the farm with Freckles the pig, those two peacocks, or that damned rooster that almost killed my cousin. Looking down into the courtyard I can feel those shadows of isolation hovering over the green palms, the cement cooling fast as the sun says goodbye to the day. I remember riding my green bike (naturally, it would be green, wouldn't it?) along the train tracks as Jordan and I feverishly searched in vain for the flattened pennies we set on the steel - or, are train tracks even made of steel? It all didn't matter, as long as I found more of them than he did.

The cool breeze outside my window reminds me greatly of the cool breeze as the hot weather would wane; interestingly enough, living here is a lot like living there. Cold mornings, yet dangerously hot days, followed by cold, cold nights. City life differs greatly from country life, yet in a full-circle sort of way it all comes together. What one side lacks, the other prospers, and so in essence and theory, they are both the same. Here the days are long, but that's greatly due to the fact that it's still technically summertime. But there, in that small town I'd call my childhood, days were everlasting. And, even though the nights would arrive after hours of pool-time, or lizard catching in the grape vines, we'd still have our fun. Listening to "oldies but goldies" with my grandparents and cousin, watching old black-and-white shows from the (g)olden days. Shows like Zorro, as well as the Mickey Mouse Club, I Love Lucy, Leave it to Beaver; and, to switch it up from black to color, Bewitched, The Brady Bunch, and Happy Days. Family time was always at the start of dinner, all the way until we had showered one-by-one taking our turns, until we stayed up late watching these shows, talking about our little lives, our big futures.

Thinking about it now, and even long ago, I feel that some parts of me were supposed to be for another generation. Some parts were just meant to stay.

And as the breeze travels from one green palm to another, up scaling the walls and ultimately getting hindered of its plight, that loneliness creeps back up my spine. Writers are true introverts, and thank God for them. Thank God for the expression of words, because body language can only do so much when you're one like me, who would rather be put in a crowd than front stage. Yet, what you want is always reversed from what you get, and so your expectations - both yours and the ones placed on you - change. Looking back continuously into that courtyard, with its checkered walkway, makes me want to curl up and hide to a time where there really were no worries except for if you really wanted to wear socks or not with your shoes. Thank God.

Back there we really never had the chance to see the sun set, only because we were surrounded by dry hills as large as mountains for one so small. Comfort was leisure, and leisure was the ability to walk around in the middle of the road without fear of a car because none passed through. You couldn't call it a ghost town because people lived there, but the area itself was a ghost, quiet and alone. Bittersweet.

Bradley was where I had my freedom, because when I was home I was locked up in an empty house; without a father, with a working mother and grandmother, I'd learned from an early age that it was menial, useless, to be afraid of the dark, and that even though your imagination is one of your most powerful means of self-expression, of self-preservation, you could tone it down, make it sleep - have it comfort you when no one else was there to hold you.

I could never say it was horrible, but only "different". Every child grows up differently. Different.

I feel so much indifference for the word "different" that I feel it has no meaning. My childhood was me, it was a golden time until I became smart and started noticing the people around me. Time takes it's toll, and I could see it in the sunken eyes of my family.

The courtyard in front of my dorm room only reminds me of my childhood when the sun starts to set, and when the overbearing shadows of the sun's guilt is revealed to the earth because he feels that he's abandoning the one true thing that is dependent of him. But when the moon rises, when she undermines the small lights of the stars, is when I feel old again. And I stay old until the sun returns with showers of warmth, hugging the earth, only to leave once more before the moon greets him. I like when the sun sets, it makes me freeze in motion, until I shiver at the cold night and wonder why I am sitting here, alone.

It's Official. It's Nerdy. It's Just Plain Gaga.

After watching the VMAs with my good friend Karina in my dorm lounge made me realize something - Lady Gaga would probably be the only woman I'd willingly want to kiss, if I had the chance to. I don't think I'd really care if she smelled like Jack Daniels, was dressed as a man, and tasted like cigs.

Like, honestly. Britney, you missed out on a great chance.

(Really, who can say they kissed Lady Gaga ((or shall I say "Lord Gogo"))? Though, Britney already did the "been there, done that" thing with Madonna so many years ago...but still).

Das link!

Lmfao I'm a sad soul. And such a Little Monster.

On a straighter note! My remedial math class sucks. Last class we were learning about fractions, today's class we were learning about absolute value and plugging in numbers in place of variables. I'm just like..."It's 3-6th grade all over again". It doesn't really help that my class starts at 8am, either. Because, the math is so easy and I'm so out of it that I think I'm doing the problem wrong, and then I second-guess myself, and actually get the problem wrong because of it. UEHH.

---------------

Well, back to being totally sad - I bought two Captain America action figures. One was on clearance for six dollars at Target (man, after winning a mini fridge there I love that place), and another one came with a gun, so I couldn't help myself and bought both of them.

I'm a sad sad soul. But, I have fun that way.

Ya Know...

...I'm kind of happy that I stayed home last night in my dorm instead of attending my first college frat party. Like, honestly. I thought about it, but then figured, "Hey, I have the whole year for this...I need to settle down a little more before all of this party scheisse."

My roommate stepped on a big piece of glass while my suite mates were all buzzed and they had to take her to the hospital. Interesting night...

Though, I sort of do regret not going, there's still the fact that there will be undoubtably more parties. *sigh*

But! Two of my other suite mates are Little Monsters. That made me feel a whole lot better about the school year.

Yeah, so...I may get a ride back home over the weekend. It's pretty great because even though I moved up here without knowing anybody, I still manage to have connections. I pretty much have free rides anywhere, I can go to the mall pretty much any time I want to (which I did yesterday...my friend Melissa and I got lost...but I bought a sexy Captain America poster. I get to wake up to that and it's fantastic haha). SPEAKING OF CAPTAIN AMERICA! They have action figures at Target. I want one XD

Well, anyway...I guess that's it for now.

I'm Outta Here!!!...a day early XD

So today, I moved away from home and am now at my new humble abode - San Jose State University. To be precise, 6th floor, Campus Village C suites (which is totally amazing, because I applied for the crappy freshman housing Bricks building, but since the school is so impacted this year I was bumped SUPER HIGH...I have a microwave AND a shower :D). Yeah, so it's quite the adventure. Last night I was feeling kind of bummed after my last hang-out with *hardly* all of my friends together in one place. Haha I actually kind of cried before I fell asleep. Shhhh it's a secret.

BUT THEN YAY I WOKE UP AT 4AM. *shoots self in face*

My mom, my mom's boyfriend (or "significant other" as they call themselves) Jake helped me move all of my stuff, and after I checked in I started un-boxing all of my...boxes, ha.

I need some more posters, my room looks kind of naked with just a cork board, and only two of my surfer posters. Oh yeah, well back to the meat of my original post plot.

I arrived to my check-in on the wrong day. I'm supposed to arrive tomorrow, 9/20. There is absolutely no one in my suite. Just me, three empty rooms, and seven empty beds. I'm all alone. FOREVER ALONE. But I'm not the only one who made this mishap - apparently there's this guy named Dalton somewhere on my floor, and some other girls somewhere. That doesn't make me feel as dumb anymore. It's funny, because my brain had a dyslexic moment when I was reading the move-in dates. But that's to be expected, I just didn't realize that I'd make such a major blunder, even though it didn't hurt me.

Ha, when mom and Jake left I started getting teary-eyed because even though I finally have the full independence I've always wanted, it's very bittersweet. I'm not ashamed to say this but I actually do miss my parents, and I do kind of want my mom back. But! It's something we all have to go through in our lives at some point, might as well be 18 years old for me XD

OH BUT A HAPPY NOTE! My dorm floor is Mario themed. So there are random pictures of clouds, yellow question boxes, and green plumber pipes on the walls everywhere :D I'm just waiting for a dude in a Yoshi costume to pop out around the corner...then I can pull some ninja moves and RUN AWAY SCREAMING. Just kidding! College is great though, and I can't wait for what's to come next.

Epiphany (aka I'm Not Stupid)

So, yesterday I came across a rather stupid epiphany. But, I have a good reason as to why I thought nothing of it until now. Or, how I didn't question how dumb it seemed until I really found out why. In all honesty, I thought it was probably the most normal thing regarding the issue. So here goes.

I was watching The Phantom of the Opera yesterday with a small group of friends (we had a sleepover) and the Phantom sealed a letter with wax with a sweet skull mold. My friend that was sitting to my left simply just said "sealing wax". I for a few seconds I thought nothing of it, until it clicked - sealing wax. Sealing wax. Sealing. Wax.

I look away from the laptop that we were watching, look straight at the wall in a small daze as the serene sounds of the ocean permeate the air, and mumble a little "huh". My other friend, who was sitting at my right asked, "What?"

And so I said, "Sealing wax."

Then a whole conversation occurred that made me feel stupid because I couldn't find the right way to explaining it. And so, here's my explanation, you hoes.

For the longest time I never knew what "sealing wax" was because I always thought it was "ceiling wax". (I'm sure this sounds pretty "wtf" so just roll with me). I never thought twice about it. I honestly thought ceiling wax was for the ceiling, and because it was so farfetched I just went with it. The reason why I thought this was because back when I was little (or shall I say littler) I watched the Disney animated version of Alice in Wonderland. And, no lie, that movie was pretty much on acid. So, when the Walrus and the Carpenter sang the "Of shoes and ships, of sealing wax - cabbages and kings!" WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO THINK??

A bunch of weird-ass irrelevant things and terms and shiznit were compiled into that one song alone: "...and while the sea is boiling hot, and while the pigs have wings...blah blah...cabbages and kings!" How could you expect me to think twice about sealing wax versus ceiling wax?

I honestly just thought it was all part of the song. Apparently not.

[Link to video....if you didn't see how I liked it above]