I finished the Toradora! anime yesterday (or shall I say early this morning?) and it made me think a lot about myself. Ha, ha, yeah... what doesn't make me think a lot about myself? What doesn't make me wonder about my own growth and upkeep? Well, hey—it's kind of nice to be reminded every once in a while. Another thing that has made me go under a lot of self-speculation was watching new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby. I'll get to that a little bit later, though.
Toradora! started off as a cutesy high school romance story between two characters, Taiga and Ryuuji. Ryuuji had it bad for Taiga's best friend, Minori. Taiga had it bad for Ryuuji's best friend, Maruo. Or Yuusaku. Well, he went by both, but his last name is Kitamura so yeah, we'll go with that. Well anyway, Taiga and Ryuuji both team up and try to hook each other up with their best friends. However, they realize that they actually are in love with each other, and drama drama drama. Towards the end of the anime, it got really deep. Broken families, expectations, life, growing up, and love—they ended up sacrificing things in their life, because they knew if they went too fast, that it would all break apart. They took their time, they broadened their perspectives and dealt with their personal demons.
I related a lot to Ryuuji's family background. I understood where he was coming from. A single mother who got pregnant at an early age, and no father-figure to guide him. I saw myself in him because I take the responsibilities around the house. I'm the level-headed one who gets stuff done.
But the anime taught me to take things in stride. It reinforced in me the fact that life doesn't always work out at first, and that it does take effort. I can't just breeze my way into things. It has to matter. It has to mean something. I'm on the path of finding out what I want and will do with my life... but it's alright to be afraid. It's alright to not know exactly what yet.
Gatsby taught me some things too, but those were impulsive thoughts... laced with a little bit of heart-break, I suppose. I don't want to call myself the jealous type, but I will admit to it. I am but a jealous soul, but I am also protective. Though I found out quickly enough that though I want to protect those that I love, sometimes I can't. And, when I can't, I need to trust them that they will do what is best for them. I cannot make that decision for them—that is something that they must do for themselves. And with that, I find myself to be a very selfish being, too. I want people all for myself. I don't want to give them away. I think it's because I have a minor abandonment problem.
Actually, I'm pretty sure that I do. But, I've gotten better with it. People don't fully leave me; I am the one who pushes them away. When I can't have someone all for myself, I reject the little pieces I still have from them and try to push them out of my mind and heart. God, what a dysfunctional way to go about things. Life does not work that way. People do not work that way. I can't have everything, duh.
It's alright though. I think people find me fragile. I think people find me tough. I'm both. I'm fragile, I'm tough, but I'm resilient. When life kicks my ass, I know how to kick it back up. I'm not hopeless, nor aimless. I take trials and complete them—though some may be a longer journey than the others. I say it's all good because really, it is all good.
