Contentment.

The 19th of November will be my third month here at San Jose State University. And, in some right twist of fate - I love it. I actually love it so much that I’m dreading my last day here. It’s quite sad - yet very premature - but it’s true. I know that I have three more years, and many more experiences to ---

[Pause this thought because my roommate walked in the room and she literally makes time stop.]

[[Wow that sounded kinda gay...but she plays Drake and sings/dances to me and it makes me laugh my ass off.]]

--- dude, I don’t even remember what I was saying. Well, along the lines of “roommate’, I freaking love mine. She’s like a total crazy bitch (not literally) and extremely funny. All of my roommates are people that I totally adore, and I honestly want to be their friends after this year. I don’t know how life will pan out in this “future” (like really, I could die or move away or change my name or something) but I hold the thought that I want to stay friends firmly in my heart.

[Pause again. I freaking hate how much I like Selena Gomez’s “I Love You Like A Love Song” song. The roommie just started playing it to annoy me because she knows it gets stuck in my head.]

[[The music video sucks ass, LOL.]]

Anyway! Fast forward to like, four hours from those last brackets and here we are again! I went to the mall with two of my roommates the other day - unfortunately I lost my SJSU ID card along the way - and we started talking about birthdays. My roommate's is in January, coincidentally the same day as my dog Charlie; so, it's an easy on to remember. Ashley (my roommate) asked when mine was, and I told her it was in July. She got kind of bummed because it wasn't during the school year when we could celebrate it, until she perked up and said that we could celebrate it in August. That confused me. August? Why August?

Then she said something along the lines of "Yeah, when we come back for the next year we can celebrate your birthday."

And that got me really happy. Wanna know why? Because that means that we'll all still be friends even after this year. That means we'll still hang out next year. One of my fears in life is being alone, and this reassured me quite a bit. I honestly love these people, and just thinking of next year freaks me out. Will I stay in contact with them? Will they forget about me? I've only known them for about three months, and our friendships are already tight. Sure, I may be the quiet shy one, but I can obviously tell that I'm loved. And it's a great feeling, not gonna lie.

Uehh other than that, life here is pretty frackin' great. Even though it's been raining and really really cold, it's still nice. After the dorm drama broke up, the metaphorical "sun began to rise", and we fixed up the whole suite. Now, it's all decorated with posters, cutesy decals, and really awesome pink Christmas lights. "Homey" is how I'd explain it (wow, homey looks like horny...or maybe that's just me - wait, no, not "just me" as in I'm horny, but "just me" as in it probably looks horny just to me. Oh God, either way this was still awkward). UEHH. Overall, I'm just really content with how life has been going. I'm changing my major next week (because the office was closed on Friday), and I'm switching to English with a concentration in Writing. English has a larger breadth of career options than just plain "writing", and even though it's not particularly Journalism, it still withholds the very essence of I want to endure for the rest of my life. I'm also planning on minoring in Japanese. So maybe I can teach English to cute little Japanese kids, and actually live the Japanese life through my students.

Oh, what a happy world that would be.

Aright, I'm tired. And this typing scheisse is burning my eyes. Happy daylight savings time! (only if you're in every other state except Arizona and Hawaii :P)

Where Time Freezes

Call me a romantic, but I missed seeing the stars of my hometown. You don't get many stars in the city - the only star I see on a constant is the sun; even so, I make a habit not to stare at it because, you know, that's kind of a heath hazard. Yet, as my eyes glide over the black horizon of the ocean as I'm parked at the Rock, the lights of Cayucos houses seen to glimmer - much like these small-town stars. I suppose it's because I'm not wearing my glasses (of which, I consciously neglect), but these lights are like the rippling sheen of sunlight on water. These lights are like tears rolling down one's face. Realizing this, I've come to realize that home is where time freezes.

I returned from college just this last Friday, mostly because I wanted to see my family; along the way, I managed to watch my former high school's losing homecoming game. Maybe it's a sign, I don't know.

I only told a few people that I was back because I felt that my visit home wasn't that important regarding others. This sounds wrong and seems like I'm rejecting my old friends, but weighing in the fact that lives are continuing and kindled friendships aren't as important nowadays compared to the fast-track of living in general, I felt that there was no need to waste others' time with mine. We've all split our ways, traveled to distant places on the map and rerooted our lives to adhere to our new surroundings. Don't worry about it - we'll all be back for Thanksgiving and Christmas; this won't be the last time you'll have a chance to see me.

However, home really is where time freezes. I'm back at the same old pink house, with the same old half-asphalt, half-dirt street. Fog is always prominent towards the morning and night, yet the clouds turn grapefruit pink over the bay as the sun sets. Despite one major difference - an in-the-process renovation of the demolished Taco Bell on Main - I'm back in the same old town. The sea breeze of Morro Bay smells of fish and harbor, and the roads of Los Osos still have no street lights. Sure, there are subtle differences here and there (especially what I've noticed was an increase of traffic in SLO), but the essence is the same. For that I'm grateful, because when I return from the city, where people are living on the street to survive, taxi cabs don't give a damn if they run red lights, and police sirens are heard at least on a two-hour interval, I need to revel in that forgotten peace I had grew up with. The sound of the beach, a slow leisurely life - my life is put on hold. I feel young again, younger than I have ever felt.

Do I really look like a college student? Could I still pass off as a high schooler? In most cases I think not. However, I still seem to have that minor mind-set that I am, and could. But, I'd never want to go back. That's why returning home is so great - laying back in my old bed, watching the TV that has off colors and looks 3D seems to take years off of my eighteen year old life; I feel seventeen all over again...oh, that was a good year.

Being back home makes me feel so inexplicably loved. Just all around I'm blessed to have so many people care for me. For that, I'm grateful to God, to everyone. I feel safe to say that my roommates like me, maybe even love me - and I wonder, What exactly is in my personality that makes others respect me? Makes others want me to stay with them, to hang out with them, to laugh and joke and live with them? It's a fantastic feeling because despite the fact that I had to work back from the very bottom of the chain to create some type of bearings for myself in an unknown territory, I'm still wanted by others. And I can guarantee this - I can be the best friend you will ever have, if you just give me the chance. But, that's a downfall in itself, because I'm vulnerable to getting used and abused. Life is always a toss-up.

Friendships change, but family stays the same. Buildings are rebuilt, demolished, rectified and dilapidated - it's all just a metaphor. The blanket of safety is cast over my childhood, and I'm sure as long as I return every-so-often, it'll stay the same. If I change, so be it - but I'll always regress as soon as I step through my front door.

In the desert once again...

Every Thursday night I go to SJSU's Tsunami Anime club. There, we watch six different series, one episode each in chronological order with two intermissions in-between. I normally just stay for the first hour, because the meeting hall is all the way across campus; the reason being why I leave so early is that I don't want to get raped or shanked or jacked or killed on my way back to my dorm room. However, every time I get to anime club, and watch an episode of Canaan, I die a little inside.

I die two ways.

One way - the cuteness overwhelms me to the point of unshed tears. No lie. When Maria and Canaan have their cute little best-friend moments I inwardly squeal with such joy that my night gets made right there on the spot. Who doesn't like seeing such a pure friendship? Who doesn't get instantly happy when you see two people happy and in the moment of such a sanctified friendship? It just kills me so much that I have to blink a bunch of times to get the tears out of my eyes (call me a sap if you want, IDGF.)

The second way - the best-friend moments overwhelm me with such unbearable sadness I have to look away for a moment. I'm sure it was episode 3 where Canaan feels the "rejection" color from Maria after saving her. Rejection hurts. Seeing others getting rejected hurts. Especially when one performs an action perfectly, believing that they were doing the right thing and then get shot down by the person they were trying to please because of a misunderstanding. Or, even the lack of seeing a person for their truly pure intentions while you're there sitting and afraid of your friend who had already done so much for you - and you're caught in the act of selfishness and forget about them. And so the night that was made was instantly ruined because pain injects itself into my big, useless heart.

I'm in the desert again, walking towards nothing but mountains of sand. My hope is as long as the trail of footprints behind me, getting blown away by the wind.

Man of the House.

Soooooooo. As it seems, I am the "man of the house" at my dorm. Which, in all reality, is pretty damn funny. Mostly because my roommates are your typical loud-ass "girly-girls", who are afraid of small spiders and hairballs (which, consequentially, are their own). But, in their defense, the mosquito I just saved them from was HUGE. It was about four inches long, and for someone as small as me, I'd suppose that's pretty big. No...it was really big. After stepping on it, the length of it squished was about half of my slipper! I didn't want to kill it, but I knew that if I didn't, my roommates would die of those frightful thoughts of "If you let it live once, it will come back for yeewwwww!!!"

Even the tallest roommate I have - who is about 6 feet, I'd say - was up on a chair screaming with the others. And to think I just thought they were screwing around, like normal...

Who said the city wasn't a jungle? Amongst the concrete and skyscrapers, there are still diverse types of "wildlife".

OH YEAHHHHHHHH.

Of Leaving and Saying Goodbye.

"It's always a depressing thing when you lose a friend - it's even worse when you get to the point of willingly giving them up."

--------------

I should have a compilation novel of one-pagers that I have written. They'd be tear-jerkers, I'm sure.

Spontaneous, 'knaamean?

(Spontaneous, "you know what I mean?")

For the four day break of Labor Day weekend, a handful of friends and I planned to visit two of our other friends up in Sonoma State. They - their names being Karina and Zach - drove up from our hometown to pick me up in San Jose, and then the plan was to drive to Sonoma, visit, and then stay the night and somewhat create friendships among each other's roomies. But in all reality, when do plans, specifically ours, stick to the agenda?

We made it to Sonoma, don't get me wrong. We got to visit Ari and John (and their roommates, whom are pretty cool). We made it in one piece. Only thing is, we didn't stay in Sonoma. We decided to randomly, spontaneously, drive up to Oregon.

Yeah, Oregon. The state. With all of the prettyful trees.

The drive wasn't specifically hazardous...it was just going 70-105mph on the freeway, and having someone who didn't have their license, or even a permit, drive. Oh yeah, and performing drive-bys with mini donuts, slandering peanut butter jars with a "V" (for "Victory", or course), and telling each other to shut the eff up and go to sleep.

My God, it was probably one of the best experiences of my life. It was also, as sheltered as I may sound, the first time I went to another state. And I'm not gonna lie, Oregon is amazing. No tax, and the dudes at the gas stations had to pump gas for us (the reasoning/law for that was a rumor that the mayor's daughter caught on fire, but that's just from one party...I'll have to consult Google later if I'm not passed out by then). Ari has a brother who lives in Ashland, and so we decided that we'd go visit him along the way (coincidentally, it was his birthday, so even though we're all haphazard, things still work out fine). We're some lucky mofos, I'll tell ya what.

A bunch of crazy things happened along and during the way...

Besides Karina and Zach getting lost before they picked me up - CalTrans is fixing the freeways, and apparently took down the "SJSU" exit sign - in chronological order, I: traveled to Oregon and witnessed a new state, saw Crater Lake, got into a snowball fight at Crater Lake, got my foot ran over by a car, had to jump into the same moving car while getting hit, got half a water bottle spilt on me (AGAIN >.>), spilt hot coffee on my leg while I was driving at 4am,  got bitched at by a scraggly, freako biyatch chick in a van, and then witnessed Karina set John's dorm's fire alarm off while she was making toast. Oh, and I think I got checked out by one of his roommate's friends (who is very, very cute and has beautiful blue eyes).

I think there may be more things that happened, but I'm tired and can't really remember that well. But, yeah.

Crater Lake was one of the most beautiful natural landscapes I have ever seen (it ties with Yosemite, I'd say). Oregon in general is just really, really pretty. So many trees! The air was so blue, and there weren't really any clouds in sight until later on in the day. There was something about it that made me feel that "I could live out here for a few years and work on that one novel that could make thousands, or even millions". There were even patches of snow in random places along the mountain, so Karina, Zach, Ari and I climbed the small grade up, and then went crazy. It was sort of horrible because we were in jeans, shorts, and tank-tops, but the numbness of our, feet, hands, and ass hardly compared to the immense fun we had throwing ice at each other. Zach tried to make a snowman but it kind of failed...I ended up throwing it at Karina anyway.

Link to a full view of one side of the lake.
Link to the left side.
Link to the right side.
Link to the snow.

The snow looks dirty because that's when we played in it like little children. It was awesome.

---------------

After our outing at the snow/mountain/forest, we drove back down the Interstate-5 and eventually found a Wendy's fast food joint. I don't like it that much, but I ate it anyway. AND SO, when we all finished I had to use the restroom, and knowingly, the rest of them took my stuff, put it into the car, and drove away. Cool beans, right? I walked out of the restaurant, looked over, put my hair up, and took my fighter's stance.

I had to play "chicken" with Karina's car. I won (kinda), but hit my leg kicking her car's back door, and my right foot (or, rather, three toes) run over after doing some 007 shit and hopping inside the moving vehicle. It was pretty damn fun, I'm not going to lie. Who can honestly say they had to swing into a car while it was moving?

---------------

While we were driving late, we got gas, and Zach bought two water bottles. Karina and I were sleep deprived and really tired, so we kind of got into a water fight inside of her car, and we both got water spilt on us. It was cold, and I was wearing only a tank-top. The cold made us all a "bit nipply". A few hours later, we stop to get AM/PM coffee, and as I drive to give Karina some rest, the cup somehow happens to fall over and get all over my knee/the car seat. IT HURT LIKE A MOTHERF*****. But was really, really funny, only because we were sleep-high.

Ari, who took her turn at driving for a while, slowed down at a green light because she wanted to turn (or didn't know where to turn), and then so this blonde lady driving this ghetto-ass van starts honking the horn at us. We decide to go straight instead, just because the lady started to freak us out, and then she SPEEDS UP TO THE PASSENGER WINDOW, ROLLS DOWN HER WINDOW, AND STARTS YELLING AT US. Karina, who was sleeping in the passenger seat and was awoken quite rudely, looked at the lady, and then FLIPPED HER OFF. And so Ari, who's freaked out since this is her first driving dispute, turns at the nearest light, and we realize that the lady started to follow us. She did for quite some time until she finally turned, and we were free from the tyranny of bitchy midnight drivers.

---------------

As the time elapsed, we eventually made it back to Sonoma. Dropping off Ari, we all took showers to freshen up, and went to go see John for the last time before leaving (he didn't go on the adventure since he's not that kind of person). His roommate's friends were over, and since they're a group of boys, they didn't really make breakfast. So, Karina started making buttered toast from a pan, since they didn't have a microwave.

She burnt a piece, it started to smoke a little, and the fire alarm went off. You could hear it from every building next to them, and even a few blocks away on the campus. It was bad. But luckily, they didn't have ceiling sprinklers, so nothing got ruined.

Except for that piece of toast, which she THREW ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE THEIR FRONT DOOR AFTER SHE RAN AWAY WITH ZACH TO THE CAR. I stayed with John and the others to help diffuse the alarm, which took like 15 minutes.

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Well, that was basically the gist of it. I literally got back about an hour from uploading this post. I may edit this for more detail or not, because I left some things out. But hey, you all kind of get the overall-ness of this adventure we had, right?

A Time.

It's that alone feeling, yet this time it is subtly drenched in a vague nostalgic veil. In this place, looking down into the courtyard protected by beige buildings, I feel a longing for my childhood back. The parts of childhood where I forgot about the abuse my father inflicted upon my mother, where I forgot how broken my family really was outside of the 80 degree paradise that was the small, small town of Bradley. Most of my memories were made at that dilapidated house, renovated like new by the time I was ten years of age. The dirt hill that eventually formed its way into a garage, or the farm with Freckles the pig, those two peacocks, or that damned rooster that almost killed my cousin. Looking down into the courtyard I can feel those shadows of isolation hovering over the green palms, the cement cooling fast as the sun says goodbye to the day. I remember riding my green bike (naturally, it would be green, wouldn't it?) along the train tracks as Jordan and I feverishly searched in vain for the flattened pennies we set on the steel - or, are train tracks even made of steel? It all didn't matter, as long as I found more of them than he did.

The cool breeze outside my window reminds me greatly of the cool breeze as the hot weather would wane; interestingly enough, living here is a lot like living there. Cold mornings, yet dangerously hot days, followed by cold, cold nights. City life differs greatly from country life, yet in a full-circle sort of way it all comes together. What one side lacks, the other prospers, and so in essence and theory, they are both the same. Here the days are long, but that's greatly due to the fact that it's still technically summertime. But there, in that small town I'd call my childhood, days were everlasting. And, even though the nights would arrive after hours of pool-time, or lizard catching in the grape vines, we'd still have our fun. Listening to "oldies but goldies" with my grandparents and cousin, watching old black-and-white shows from the (g)olden days. Shows like Zorro, as well as the Mickey Mouse Club, I Love Lucy, Leave it to Beaver; and, to switch it up from black to color, Bewitched, The Brady Bunch, and Happy Days. Family time was always at the start of dinner, all the way until we had showered one-by-one taking our turns, until we stayed up late watching these shows, talking about our little lives, our big futures.

Thinking about it now, and even long ago, I feel that some parts of me were supposed to be for another generation. Some parts were just meant to stay.

And as the breeze travels from one green palm to another, up scaling the walls and ultimately getting hindered of its plight, that loneliness creeps back up my spine. Writers are true introverts, and thank God for them. Thank God for the expression of words, because body language can only do so much when you're one like me, who would rather be put in a crowd than front stage. Yet, what you want is always reversed from what you get, and so your expectations - both yours and the ones placed on you - change. Looking back continuously into that courtyard, with its checkered walkway, makes me want to curl up and hide to a time where there really were no worries except for if you really wanted to wear socks or not with your shoes. Thank God.

Back there we really never had the chance to see the sun set, only because we were surrounded by dry hills as large as mountains for one so small. Comfort was leisure, and leisure was the ability to walk around in the middle of the road without fear of a car because none passed through. You couldn't call it a ghost town because people lived there, but the area itself was a ghost, quiet and alone. Bittersweet.

Bradley was where I had my freedom, because when I was home I was locked up in an empty house; without a father, with a working mother and grandmother, I'd learned from an early age that it was menial, useless, to be afraid of the dark, and that even though your imagination is one of your most powerful means of self-expression, of self-preservation, you could tone it down, make it sleep - have it comfort you when no one else was there to hold you.

I could never say it was horrible, but only "different". Every child grows up differently. Different.

I feel so much indifference for the word "different" that I feel it has no meaning. My childhood was me, it was a golden time until I became smart and started noticing the people around me. Time takes it's toll, and I could see it in the sunken eyes of my family.

The courtyard in front of my dorm room only reminds me of my childhood when the sun starts to set, and when the overbearing shadows of the sun's guilt is revealed to the earth because he feels that he's abandoning the one true thing that is dependent of him. But when the moon rises, when she undermines the small lights of the stars, is when I feel old again. And I stay old until the sun returns with showers of warmth, hugging the earth, only to leave once more before the moon greets him. I like when the sun sets, it makes me freeze in motion, until I shiver at the cold night and wonder why I am sitting here, alone.

It's Official. It's Nerdy. It's Just Plain Gaga.

After watching the VMAs with my good friend Karina in my dorm lounge made me realize something - Lady Gaga would probably be the only woman I'd willingly want to kiss, if I had the chance to. I don't think I'd really care if she smelled like Jack Daniels, was dressed as a man, and tasted like cigs.

Like, honestly. Britney, you missed out on a great chance.

(Really, who can say they kissed Lady Gaga ((or shall I say "Lord Gogo"))? Though, Britney already did the "been there, done that" thing with Madonna so many years ago...but still).

Das link!

Lmfao I'm a sad soul. And such a Little Monster.

On a straighter note! My remedial math class sucks. Last class we were learning about fractions, today's class we were learning about absolute value and plugging in numbers in place of variables. I'm just like..."It's 3-6th grade all over again". It doesn't really help that my class starts at 8am, either. Because, the math is so easy and I'm so out of it that I think I'm doing the problem wrong, and then I second-guess myself, and actually get the problem wrong because of it. UEHH.

---------------

Well, back to being totally sad - I bought two Captain America action figures. One was on clearance for six dollars at Target (man, after winning a mini fridge there I love that place), and another one came with a gun, so I couldn't help myself and bought both of them.

I'm a sad sad soul. But, I have fun that way.

Ya Know...

...I'm kind of happy that I stayed home last night in my dorm instead of attending my first college frat party. Like, honestly. I thought about it, but then figured, "Hey, I have the whole year for this...I need to settle down a little more before all of this party scheisse."

My roommate stepped on a big piece of glass while my suite mates were all buzzed and they had to take her to the hospital. Interesting night...

Though, I sort of do regret not going, there's still the fact that there will be undoubtably more parties. *sigh*

But! Two of my other suite mates are Little Monsters. That made me feel a whole lot better about the school year.

Yeah, so...I may get a ride back home over the weekend. It's pretty great because even though I moved up here without knowing anybody, I still manage to have connections. I pretty much have free rides anywhere, I can go to the mall pretty much any time I want to (which I did yesterday...my friend Melissa and I got lost...but I bought a sexy Captain America poster. I get to wake up to that and it's fantastic haha). SPEAKING OF CAPTAIN AMERICA! They have action figures at Target. I want one XD

Well, anyway...I guess that's it for now.

I'm Outta Here!!!...a day early XD

So today, I moved away from home and am now at my new humble abode - San Jose State University. To be precise, 6th floor, Campus Village C suites (which is totally amazing, because I applied for the crappy freshman housing Bricks building, but since the school is so impacted this year I was bumped SUPER HIGH...I have a microwave AND a shower :D). Yeah, so it's quite the adventure. Last night I was feeling kind of bummed after my last hang-out with *hardly* all of my friends together in one place. Haha I actually kind of cried before I fell asleep. Shhhh it's a secret.

BUT THEN YAY I WOKE UP AT 4AM. *shoots self in face*

My mom, my mom's boyfriend (or "significant other" as they call themselves) Jake helped me move all of my stuff, and after I checked in I started un-boxing all of my...boxes, ha.

I need some more posters, my room looks kind of naked with just a cork board, and only two of my surfer posters. Oh yeah, well back to the meat of my original post plot.

I arrived to my check-in on the wrong day. I'm supposed to arrive tomorrow, 9/20. There is absolutely no one in my suite. Just me, three empty rooms, and seven empty beds. I'm all alone. FOREVER ALONE. But I'm not the only one who made this mishap - apparently there's this guy named Dalton somewhere on my floor, and some other girls somewhere. That doesn't make me feel as dumb anymore. It's funny, because my brain had a dyslexic moment when I was reading the move-in dates. But that's to be expected, I just didn't realize that I'd make such a major blunder, even though it didn't hurt me.

Ha, when mom and Jake left I started getting teary-eyed because even though I finally have the full independence I've always wanted, it's very bittersweet. I'm not ashamed to say this but I actually do miss my parents, and I do kind of want my mom back. But! It's something we all have to go through in our lives at some point, might as well be 18 years old for me XD

OH BUT A HAPPY NOTE! My dorm floor is Mario themed. So there are random pictures of clouds, yellow question boxes, and green plumber pipes on the walls everywhere :D I'm just waiting for a dude in a Yoshi costume to pop out around the corner...then I can pull some ninja moves and RUN AWAY SCREAMING. Just kidding! College is great though, and I can't wait for what's to come next.

Epiphany (aka I'm Not Stupid)

So, yesterday I came across a rather stupid epiphany. But, I have a good reason as to why I thought nothing of it until now. Or, how I didn't question how dumb it seemed until I really found out why. In all honesty, I thought it was probably the most normal thing regarding the issue. So here goes.

I was watching The Phantom of the Opera yesterday with a small group of friends (we had a sleepover) and the Phantom sealed a letter with wax with a sweet skull mold. My friend that was sitting to my left simply just said "sealing wax". I for a few seconds I thought nothing of it, until it clicked - sealing wax. Sealing wax. Sealing. Wax.

I look away from the laptop that we were watching, look straight at the wall in a small daze as the serene sounds of the ocean permeate the air, and mumble a little "huh". My other friend, who was sitting at my right asked, "What?"

And so I said, "Sealing wax."

Then a whole conversation occurred that made me feel stupid because I couldn't find the right way to explaining it. And so, here's my explanation, you hoes.

For the longest time I never knew what "sealing wax" was because I always thought it was "ceiling wax". (I'm sure this sounds pretty "wtf" so just roll with me). I never thought twice about it. I honestly thought ceiling wax was for the ceiling, and because it was so farfetched I just went with it. The reason why I thought this was because back when I was little (or shall I say littler) I watched the Disney animated version of Alice in Wonderland. And, no lie, that movie was pretty much on acid. So, when the Walrus and the Carpenter sang the "Of shoes and ships, of sealing wax - cabbages and kings!" WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO THINK??

A bunch of weird-ass irrelevant things and terms and shiznit were compiled into that one song alone: "...and while the sea is boiling hot, and while the pigs have wings...blah blah...cabbages and kings!" How could you expect me to think twice about sealing wax versus ceiling wax?

I honestly just thought it was all part of the song. Apparently not.

[Link to video....if you didn't see how I liked it above]

Deprived...

In all honesty - not being able to sleep sucks.

I've had some bouts of insomnia for the past two weeks or so, and it's one of the worst feelings ever. I'm like a...mentally deficient drone just laying there, listening to my ceiling fan. I don't even know if my eyes are open or closed; the room is dark - when I blink, nothing changes. It's interesting, actually, because I've been more active lately, which results in my body getting more tired, yet I'm still unable to drift off into happy land.

I suppose it's the late-night gaming I have been actively engaged in (damn you Fallout: New Vegas). Perhaps I need to drink less tea, as my mom proposed (which I flatly refused - you do not tell me to stop drinking my tea! I need at least one pick-me-up in a day of lows >.>"). Or, maybe I'm not making enough of...uh...what's it called...?

Something technically scientific. Lemme think a moment...

MELATONIN! That's what it is! Ahhhh I'm awesome.

Yeah, I was listening to the "John Tesh Radio Show" (he's some old dude who has some pretty coolio facts for life) and he said that drinking tart cherry juice helps with melatonin build-up, which helps sleep. And, since I clearly have a disorder - that was sarcasm, guys - I should try it out. Too bad it's not just sittin' there in the local grocery store. I'd have to travel to the Trader Joe's...and the gas prices, even though they lowered by approximately ten cents, are still horrible. Y U SO EXPENSIVE????

Orientation Notes

Dude, so being in the big city makes you realize how 1) lonely you really are in the world, 2) how many people around you smoke pot and party, despite looking absolutely "normal", and 3) how you really have to break out of your shell to make it through the year, and your life.

Honestly - I drove to SJSU by myself to go to my college freshman orientation. As soon as I pulled out of the driveway - at 4:30am - I felt a small tinge of fear tug at my nerves. I was getting scared of the freedom that was being handed to me. Sure, acquiring your driver's license is a "rite of passage", however, I felt that traveling to San Jose without my mother was my true rite of passage. Interestingly enough, eight-or-so days prior to this "event", I had driven all the way to Sonoma State University (approximately 2 hours north of SJSU). But, what made that experience different from this one was that I wasn't alone. I wasn't traveling for the sake of wanderlust. I was traveling because I was on a future mission - this adventure was mandatory in my growth as a person, my life, my major, my freedom from the constraints of a small-town existence.

This trip changed me. Turning 18 years old changed me. I feel like I need to mature - I just don't know how to. How do I shrug off the youth of the life I bare?

Yo, hopefully as I stay at San Jose I'll learn what it is that I'm exactly trying to find. I guess you could say that I'm "trying to find myself" - however, my methods, my morals, have skewed. I don't need to endlessly drive California to reach my goals. Hell, in retrospect, driving farther than my limits would probably screw me up more. All I know is that, during just those two days, that was the loneliest I had felt in a long while.

Saying Goodbye to the Sun

Today I gave myself the liberty of watching the sun set. I didn't plan it, but I was parked at the beach at the time, so I figured it would be a relaxing thing to do after a long trip up north (which will be told later - it was an adventure in its own right). I had my ukulele in the truck, so as I was waiting for the sun to lower down below the horizontal line of the great Pacific Ocean, I polished my "Lucky" skills, and waited. 

It has been a while since I've let myself relax to such an extent. This whole summer I haven't been to the beach once, and even though I didn't go swim or compel myself to actually surf, it was nice to just chill there with no worries. My window's were rolled down, and as I plucked the strings of my uke, I felt the sea breeze flow through my hair, and I inhaled the salty sea mist. Yesterday, I was in San Francisco. And, even though it was basically the same as Morro Bay, the ocean here was different from the bay there. Nothing is the same as home.   

The thing that got me the most from this trivial experience was how everyone that was around me, and even those on the beach stopped whatever they were doing (from riding their bike to playing frisbee) just to watch the sun fall. I never really think that much about the sun (except for "AHHHH IT'S HOT." or "AHHHH Y U SO COLD?"), but I think a lot of us take it for granted. We, as humans, are given so much - albeit, some of us are still so unhappy about things. The world is a fantastic place, and few of us just don't appreciate it.

As I looked around at the locals and tourists alike, us all watching the sunset, I couldn't help but feel that by that one moment, we were all connected somehow. 

The feeling of it was quite beautiful.

Stats are funny...

Yeah so I was talking to one of my good friends about our blogs the other day during our Lady Gaga dance video/fan music video practice (don't ask...I'll probably talk about it sometime when we're done with it - it's too fantastic to keep hidden), and today I picked the conversation back up in my head while I was driving home from watching another friend get a tattoo.

[Personal thought: Wow! I know a lot of interesting people.]

She was telling me (the blog friend, not the tattoo friend) how she tracks her stats and whatnot on her blog. Normally, I do check for her blog updates, mostly because she writes more, and despite me getting angry at some of the things she writes about (unrequited romance, all that shiznit), she does have some interesting things to say, good points and reflections, and random stuff that nobody would understand unless they were there during that situation (I know her in person, so I'm in about 30% give-or-take of her posts). And so in the conversation, I was put on spot because I linked her blog to a Yahoo! Answers question, and she tracked it back to me.

Heh. I suppose it doesn't help that it is Yahoo!, and that I allow it to show my name because they're my email provider.

I'm not gonna lie - I got kind of embarrassed and it felt sort of awkward (like that guilty feeling, even when you technically didn't do anything bad or wrong). And sure, even if my example of the certain blog post didn't really answer the question - I think it did, she doesn't - I didn't do anything wrong in posting it on a public engine. The internet is public anyway you freakin' look at it - which is both awesome and pretty sad. Sadly awesome. Awesomely sad. Yadda yadda.

[Tangent: Every time I see "yadda yadda" I think of that Grease song at the end of the movie, after that big race and they're all at the school carnival, and they all start singing like "Asdkjflsadkgjalsgjlajgag-ada-ada-ding-dong, bang-bang-shadda-sha-dop-da-dop, we'll always be together...wahooooooo YEAH!"


...


...leave me alone.]


[Tangent#2: When I think of "tangent" I think of the color orange.]


PANCAKES.

God, I'm so random.

But the fact that she tracked me makes me laugh a little, just because I used to do that when I was an avid writer on fanfiction.net. I would check who read my story, where they were from, if they had an "appropriate" bio, or if they were just the people who had a profile just for the sake of reviewing a story (that kind of always made me a little frustrated, because I wanted to know more about them...if that doesn't sound weird).

Yeah dude, I just thought that was a funny instance. I have some other post ideas, but I'll let them slide for now.

Oh yeah, happy first of July :DD

ECCE! Thou See-eth a Twilit (intentional) Fanfic?!

Yeah so I was looking through some old files on my flash drive, and found this fanfic about Edward/Bella that I had written about four years ago. And I dare say, it's not that bad...kind of cliché, pretty sappy...a song-fic, and typo-ridden, but it had some spunk. Moxy. Eh...I have a word for it but I can't place it...POTENTIAL! That's what it was. Yeah so some friends wanted to read it, and I really don't think it's good enough to post on Fanfiction.net (where all of my other writing is), so imma be a writer-whore and post it here.

...where all but three-or-so people will read it. I couldn't bear the embarrassment of 1000+ people reading it, and thankfully, I don't have that many viewers on here. Yeeeeeee!

By the way, there are typos in the story, but if you're smart (and I'm sure you all are to some extent) you'll decipher it. I don't feel like editing the story, because if I do, I'll end up rewriting it, and then I'd have to post it on FF.net, and then I'd be labeled a loser by my peers. How embarrassing.

"Breathless" - and Edward/Bella song-fic

---------------


She stared up at the bland ceiling and sighed one of the biggest sighs of the day. Bella found the austereness of her room exceptionably boring and lonely today—Charlie was at work “keeping the peace”, and today was one of the few choice lonely days that Edward was away from her to quench his thirsts on mountain lions. She inhaled a deep breath for the billionth time on that Saturday. Bella inadvertently turned her head to look out of the window to see if the forecast was anything new from earlier that morning, and undoubtably, it was still pouring the same buckets of water—much like every other day there in her newly welcomed hometown.


Good ole Forks...  

She didn’t remember how long she had been laying there on the bed; to tell the truth, Bella didn’t really give a care on how long. Any day without Edward near her was always too long for her to handle. She sighed again.

Bella didn’t do much after she had woken up and found that he wasn’t laying next to her like he always did. She had then gotten up to do her morning rituals with a sulk: wash her face, brush her hair, brush her teeth, eat her everyday cold cereal, etc...

She turned her head back to gaze at the ceiling. Earlier, she had tried to do her weekend homework to pass up the time that mocked her, but a good hefty pile of highschool curriculum only gets a person so far until their brain starts to shrivel up. Her thoughts were never on the homework to begin with anyway. Then Bella tried reading—which worked as much as the homework. To her state of mind, the pages were just a blank white, like the white pigment of his cold pale skin. So, she skipped the reading. TV? Not one single bit—that option failed horribly to Bella’s disdain. Sports were obviously not her thing, so ESPN was out in one click. Animal Planet annoyed her greatly since they were airing a two-and-a-half hour special series on the vampire bat and its interesting eating habits and habitats. Click. The History Channel had irritated her even more. Count Dracula and a tour of his magnificent castle was not something she really wanted to see at the moment. Every channel on that television in her and Charlie’s livingroom, and basically everything that she looked at and thought about, reminded her of Edward Cullen.

Besides, Dracula’s castle can’t top Edward’s house anyway, even if he had a shiny silver Volvo in his driveway. 

Desperately, she even turned on the computer to, after checking her empty inbox for any sign of Renée, surf the sluggish web. That came out to no avail whatsoever. She had cleaned out her history on her internet browser and saw the link that she had looked up about vampires so long ago, which made her quickly turn the old modem off with a scowl. Afterwards, she had looked at the clock to see what time it was and how much time she had deliberately tried to kill—it had only been thirty-two and one half minutes of “chronologic killage”. Her day was nothing but vampires, vampires, vampires, but the real vampire wasn’t even there to be with her. So, she ended up deciding on just laying on her bed and staring at the ceiling.

And so there she was. Laying on her quilt and her head sunk into the cotton of the pillow she slept on every night. Bella felt restless and wanted to do something, anything to take her mind off Edward. Take her truck and drive out of town and back, go scrape her knees climbing rocks or something conspicuously stupid like that. But, Edward had told her the day before to not do anything that will get her in trouble and/or hurt. There was extra emphasis as he told her since he had actually said: “trouble and slash or hurt”. Trouble was tied on her like a leash, so she had decided to just stay inside for the day—it was raining of course. She sighed once again.

Like always, anyway...  

Bella underestimated her decision greatly, though. It was extremely boring waiting for him to come back, and now she was paying for it. She would rather go through the lecture Edward would of gave her for doing something somewhat recreational (yet irrational) then wasting a day inside an empty stuffy house with no one to talk to but the ceiling she was apparently having a date with. To discourse her thoughts she pondered on Edward’s expression if she was to tell him that she cheated on him (without telling him that it was with the ceiling) whenever he left her to replenish on his “energy drinks”. She raised an eyebrow with mock humor at how idiotic that sounded in her head, yet snickered. No pun intended. [I re-read this, and I have no freaking clue what the pun was. Please, anybody, enlighten me and my thoughts of freshman's past...]

Well I could call Jessica or something...wait, no, she said she had to go to Port Angeles...I should of told her I could of came with her. But then she would just want to talk about...things that I don’t want to talk about...Angela...?

Then, Bella lazily spotted the CD player she had on her desk. That highly mundane instant glance sparked her interest and she got up with a new energized spirit within her clumsy stride. Pushing the eject button, the last CD she had listened to, the one that Phil had given her, protruded out of the disk opening. She had listened to that CD over eight times now, and the screamo was starting to get repetitive. That quick thought of Phil gave Bella a quick thought of Renée, and those two quick thoughts sent a psychological reminiscence domino effect to an old box under Bella’s bed that she had failed to open when she had gotten to Forks. 

She raised an eyebrow. “Hmm...” 

Placing the CD Phil had given her upside-down on her desk, Bella walked back to her bed and kneeled down to rummage under it. Finding what she was looking for behind her duffle bag—the one that held the pepper spray—Bella slid the box out. A thick blanket of dark gray dust was covered over the top exterior of the cardboard box. Indiscretion within her actions, she swiped the dust off with a hand, and after about six whole minutes of choking, sneezing, and rubbing her eyes of dirt, skin, and grime particles, she finally got the box open. But before uncovering what was inside, she jumped up and opened her window for fresh air—then she got back to her current time-killer obsession. 

About twenty or so of Bella’s old CDs were in it. Some of them she hadn’t even seen in around seven years—she was appalled by the variety. When she was younger it seemed that she had listened to just about every genre in music. Rock, pop, alternative, hip-hop, classical orchestra...and even some country.

She shuddered. 

...Country...

Her hands and eyes scanned through the box, intrigued by the assortments of her young taste in music.

Oh, I actually had this CD? Wow...I hadn’t heard this song in a while—No way! I’ve been trying to find this in like forever!

One CD at the moment however caught her eye instantly as it laid face down in the box. She picked it up and looked at the cover. Three girls and a guy were on it and she read the band and album name—The Corrs: In Blue. Curious, she took the compact disk out of the hard plastic cover and pushed it into the player. Sitting down on her computer chair, the first track started to play, and memories of her childhood were coming back to her. After about three minutes the years-old song finished and the second track started up. Bella’s heart began to beat fast as the music started humming through the CD player—she remembered that song—she had absolutely, positively, loved that song.

The main singer’s voice rang with the first verses of the melodic lyrics and Bella smiled. She remembered the title. Breathless. The chorus came up and Bella started to tap her fingers with the rhythm of the music on her knee. Her head started to slightly bob back and forth as she got the beat down. The sounds of her foot tapping the floor echoed the once extremely silent room.

And before she knew it, the song had ended and track three started to begin. Disappointed that her journey through the vicarious beat was suddenly gone, she selfishly reached over to push the “back” button. The song started up again, and Bella put it on repeat. She figured that it might kill the old CD, but she could just go to town and buy a new one—she didn’t want to pass up the moment. She turned the player up with a big smile.

Getting up, Bella walked back over to her bed with new pep to her step. Happily plopping down, she sat cross-legged on her old quilt. She seeped in the lyrics like a dry sponge in water. And one word after another, her mind drifted off, and she started reminiscing about her childhood.

Go on, go on

Leave me breathless...

Come on...

Come on...

She remembered how catchy the sound was when it first came out, and how lucky she felt when Reneé had bought the CD for her. Bella would listen to this song over and over and over again in her car as Renée drove...

The daylight’s fading slowly

But time with you is standing still

I’m waiting for you only

The slightest touch and I feel weak

She throughly remembered the music video for this song, so rightly called Breathless. The only reason why was because the lead singer looked like one of Bella’s old best friends’ moms. She wondered how they were doing at that very moment...how the family was...if she still had their phone number after all of the years...

I cannot lie, from you I cannot hide

And I’m losing the will to try

Can’t hide it, can’t fight it

So go on, go on

Friends she had...friends she had made. All of the memories came rushing to Bella’s mind...washing over her and drowning her with the warmth of memory...

Come on leave me breathless

Tempt me, tease me

Till I can’t deny this 

Love and feeling

Her new classes, new teachers. Math, English, and the evil Physical Education class that Bella thought she would never have to deal with again...

Make me long for your kiss

Go on, go on

Yeah... 

Come on

Science...her new classmates...her new lab partner...

Yeah...

Edward...

And if there’s no tomorrow,

and all we have is here and now

I’m happy just to have you,

You’re all the love I need some how

He was all of the love she needed. She was happy to have him, yet “happy” didn’t define any of her feelings. It couldn’t define her feelings—glad, ecstatic, overjoyed. All of the synonyms of “happy” mixed in one. And even if there wasn’t a tomorrow for her, with him, all time stopped. His love almost killed her, in a literal sense. She had to remember that breath was vital, yet he always left her breathless. Every time she looked at him, kissed him. And every time he kissed her, holding his control with an effort straining his whole being not to bite her. The soft feathery coldness of his lips on her neck...left her breathless. Edward probably wouldn’t like the way she was portraying that song about him. He didn’t want her to not have another tomorrow, to not be forever seventeen like him...

It’s like a dream

Although I’m not asleep

And I never want to wake up,

don’t lose it, don’t leave it...

He was constantly in her dreams. Even when she was awake he still felt like a dream. His ice-cold touch dulled her senses almost every time he brushed her skin, and held her in his arms. Even the slightest touch left her on ends, left her the weakest that she had ever been in her life.  Bella loved it, she never wanted to wake from it. She never wanted him to leave her...

So go on, go on

Come on...

Leave me breathless,

tempt me, tease me

Till I can’t deny this

Love and feeling

Make me long for your kiss

Go on, go on

Breathless...tempting her with his lips, teasing her with the innocent brush with his cold finger tips. Always breathless... He always left her wanting, longing desperately for more. It was an addiction, his love, his touch, his voice. Bella couldn’t deny it. It was too hard not to. She needed him so much some times; it was so hard. She needed him like lungs needed air. But she was breathless.

Yeah...

Come on, come on

I’m not gonna lie,

from you I cannot hide

And I’ve lost my will to try

Can’t hide it, can’t fight it

It was true. She couldn’t hide from him. If she wanted to she couldn’t. Bella probably lost that last shred of will the first time she had seen him. His gorgeous face, his unruly, glossy sleek bronze hair. His piercing eyes, and pale white skin. The mysterious beauty that wouldn’t leave her thoughts. Why would she want to fight and hide from it anyway?

A cold gust of freezing cold wind blew through Bella’s room; she was laying back down on her bed. She turned her head towards the window and sensed that her trance from the song was hindered, and saw that it was already black outside. Certainly, she had killed some time.

So go on, go on

Come on, leave me breathless

Tempt me, tease me

Till I can’t deny this

Bella smiled, and her lips started to move with the words, and her voice gradually started to get louder. Her brown eyes slowly closed.

“Love and feeling 

Make me long for your kiss

Go on, go on

Come on...

Leave me breathless

Go on, go on,

Come on... 

Leave me breathless...

Go on, go on..."

The song finally stopped, but began to start over. Sighing but with a smile, she slowly got up to turn off the CD player. She would have to make dinner for her and Charlie, and she didn’t want to ruin the CD—she would want to use it again the next time Edward left to go hunting. She already planned the date.

The room was now silent except for the soft sound of the rain, and Bella looked over at her bed. An indent of her body was imprinted in the quilt, and she rose an inquisitive eyebrow. She must have listened to that song for at least three hours over and over, especially since the print of her body was at least two inches deep. And again, she sighed.

“You’re a good singer, Bella.”

She yelped in surprise. The silky soft velvet sound that emitted from her window shocked her, and her nerves jumped—she was paralyzed. The little hairs on her neck rose up as a chuckle then echoed from the room, and her heart skipped at least an unhealthy three beats. She would have gulped if there was anything to gulp.

“Bella, breathe.” She heard the smile on his lips ripple his magnificent voice.

Oh yeah...I can gulp air... [WTF really? "Gulp" air? I must have been on crack. Or OD-ed on tea (that's most probable)]

She gulped in the much needed oxygen and turned around. He wore the same breath taking smile, his eyes a warm brow color, and not the dark black she had last seen him with. Edward was sitting on her windowsill, and from the somewhat smug look on his face he had been watching her for a long time, listening to her sing. Before she knew it he was up and walking to her, and she held her breath again. When he finally wrapped her arms around her was when Bella forcefully breathed in his heavenly scent. He was a musky scent due to the hunt, and she figured that he made his way straight here when he got back, yet he smelt like the same delicious fragrance as always. That was when she noticed his drenched body get her clothes wet in his embrace, and the cold drop of water that hit her face after it ran down his nose.

Bella quickly opened her eyes unknowing that she had them closed. “D-Do you want a towel? You’re soaking wet, you might catch a cold!”

Without thinking, she ran out of her room and into her bathroom. Edward just stood there, sighed, and rolled his eyes, yet not completely exasperated at her heedless actions. Bella came back running in with a dark purple towel in her hands and threw it at him; it would of almost hit him in the face if not for his excellent catlike reflexes. But Bella, being Bella of course, tripped with another yelp over her own feet after the towel left her fingertips. She braced herself for the contact of her hitting the cold floor, but Edward caught her with his speed, and frowned at her forgetfulness as he placed her softly back on her feet.

“Bella,” he said sternly shaking his head, “Vampire, remember?”

She sheepishly smiled while her cheeks turned a warm crimson. “Oh...uhm...yeah...”

She then noticed the way he was holding her—arms wrapped tightly around her like she would disappear—and as on her own reflexes, held her breath.

“Breathe,” Edward commanded, but with his crooked smile painted on his lips once more. Despite the coldness of his wet clothes and skin, she was content, and thankful that he was back with her again. Really thankful. “I missed you.”

She smiled and laughed a little, knowing that what he said was a huge understatement, and that he had missed her nearly as much as she missed him. “Me too. In fact, so much that I was breathless.”

Edward chuckled and Bella felt the vibrations from his throat. Her heart skipped a beat. “When are you not?”

Even when the daylight would fade into the dark twilight, all time would stay the same, stay still—with him.

---------------

Cast ye stones upon my flesh, for tis story of vampires was ne'er the best! Ha...medieval rap. Yo yo yo, dawg, I'm now in the Facebook rap game. Shootin' out mah rhymes will get me on the road to fame.

Yeah, so this story (and whole post, I suppose) is embarrassing, and I'm putting my self-esteem at ground-level just to post this. But it had potential, yeah? And if you listen to the song "Breathless" by The Corrs, then you'd agree that it's a good Edward/Bella song. Like honestly...he always got her breathless in the books, right? I'm not going to re-read them...I'm not that desperate in boredom. 

Please review, would be greatly appreciated! (Saying that is mandatory if it's fanfiction :P) I don't care for the typos just cuz I already know that they're there. So yeah. Imma go back to watching NANA, because it's more about my life than I'd care to admit.


EDIT**


Here's a link to the song. I just looked it up and OMFG it's so...sexual. This came out in the early 2000s, and WTF. I only remember seeing parts of this on TV. Ha. Back when MTV was music, and not "reality".


The Corrs - Breathless

[My childhood is skewed now, thanks to the music video.]

[Every time I see "Edward" I think "Jedward"...and then I get "Lipstick" stuck in my head. Frackalackin'.]