God Tests.

[Blog Spot isn’t working right now, so technically, I wrote this on the 12th of May. I don’t know when the site will be back up, but oh well, let’s hope I don’t forget about this post/journal. Actually, I’m sure I won’t - it applies greatly to my life, and how I have been living during the past three to four days.]

On Tuesday, May the 10th, I read this short story by Leo Tolstoy in Mr. BadDragon’s twelfth grade English class (a class that I have mentioned before in previous posts, and a class that I both love and hate). The story is called “What Men Live By”, and it’s about a shoemaker named Simon, who lets this random naked man sitting on a shrine named Michael stay at his house because he literally had nothing. Now for background: Tolstoy was, and still is, a famous Russian author who wrote the magnum opus War and Peace, and Anna Karenina. During his latter years, he fell greatly into the Christian religion, and attempted to live a “pure” life (much to his family’s distaste...he sold most of his things and essentially, lived as a religious hermit). A lot of his later works revolved around God, and had a general religious allusion. 

After reading the story in class, the bell rang for lunch, and me being my happy-go-lucky self, walked over to the usual spot where all my friends eat lunch. Now, here's more background: two of my friends have been in this..."dispute", and basically, one hates the other, and the other wants to resolve it but is socially awkward and it's just not pretty. It's actually prettyyyy damn ugly. I have about six to nine friends in my group (some just come and go), and that day we had about eight people eating lunch together. 

So. One friend, whom we'll label as ZD ("Z" for his name and "D" for "Derp", because he's the awkward one) confronted GR ("G" for her name, and "R" for "Rawr" because, well...you'll all find out). Now, GR had posted some "unfriendly" words about ZD because he's been pissing her off to an extreme degree, and when he confronted her it came out as a threat. So what was supposed to be a resolved dispute ended up into an escalated one...and both ZD and GR started yelling at each other. It didn't turn out very well, because those where were not in the fight didn't even try to stop them from screaming at each other. Me included.

Actually, we all ended up scurrying together, and then huddling behind each other like the "soggy-breast, cow stomachs" we were (Missy Elliot, anyone?). Finally, after many awkward glances at each other and trying to drown-out the vulgarities that floated around us, my friend Mariah, whom none of us would have expected to stop anything, stood up, stood in-between them, and stopped the fight.

The reason why I'm writing this post is because I find that the last few days should be held as a reflection of who I am, and what I have either become, or regressed to. Why I'm saying this is because all throughout the vociferous fight, I thought to myself that I should stop the fight, that it was my job to stand up when nobody else would. People look up to me as a person and a friend, and I have failed them by scurrying away like a coward, by looking away when I knew I was failing in my moral convictions. Originally, I was sitting near both ZD and GR, I should have stopped it as soon as the first curse from GR escaped her lips.

I name this as my first God test. And I failed. 

[I'm a religious person, I believe it God, I believe in Heaven. I just find it hard to place all my trust in Him - I know I should, but I doubt. I don't know exactly what I'm doubting, but I hope I find out later in life because I want to walk up to the pearly gates, and hug my dad without tears of sadness, without bitterness. My dad isn't dead, but it's almost the same as if he was, maybe even worse. But that is a whole different story in itself that I'd really like to not get into.]

Ok, now take a deep sigh, and lets fast-foward to later on in the day. 

I went to Hometown Buffet with my family (omfg I dislike that place), and after we all eat, we sort of hang around in the booth to let our stomachs settle before we leave. As I sit there, I see this middle-aged man leave his table with his group of friends and a dollar falls out of his pocket. I watched it fall out. I watched him leave the area. I waited around like a damn spider waiting for its prey, and then walked up, and snatched the dollar. As soon as I picked it up I felt this immense feeling of guilt; I practically drowned in it. My steps got heavier as I walked back to my booth, but I immediately smiled and said, "Hey, I snagged a dollar that someone dropped."

"...that someone dropped."

Not, "...that man that sat near us."

But, "...that someone dropped."  

And right then and there, I felt like a horrible person. My second God test, and I failed. Failed with flying satanic red colors (insert sad-face). 

However, before we left, I placed that same dollar on our tip pile. I knew if I was to keep it, that one dollar alone would haunt me until I either gave it away to someone, or bought something for someone with it.

So where does Tolstoy's story tie-in with my God tests? Well for one, the story was about God testing Michael, a fallen angel. Michael displeased God, and didn't follow out with one of His orders, so his wings fell, and he had to live on Earth. Simon, the shoemaker, was conflicted with either walking away from Michael, now a naked man sitting in the freezing Russian cold, or helping him and letting him stay at his house. Simon chose the latter, and in the end Simon and his wife helped Michael regain his wings and fly back to Heaven. I suppose reading the story made me feel that life - or God - was testing me, and in realization, I have been failing in both morals and ethics. I stole a dollar. There's no way around it. The man who dropped it wasn't that far from where it fell, I could have caught him before he walked out.

I love how reflections follow a single reference. It's just one more thing to keep track of, but in the end, it's worth it.