Total weirdo.

I'm actually quite glad no one ever really goes on this blog anymore. It's nice being able to think out and type out my thoughts without people actually having to read it.

Well, no—scratch that. This is public. If I were to ever delete this, a copy of it would still be floating around somewhere. But it is nice getting out thoughts and no one in my immediate friend circle will read, but rather the world. There is this certain anonymous aspect to it that I really dig; and even though my friends who do follow me on here can still read whatever I post, I kind of trust that they don't because, well, Tumblr fever took over months ago and they are most definitely not turning back.

Neither am I for that matter, but too many people know me on Tumblr. I don't want a response from these posts anymore. I just want to get them out of the way so I can forget about them. I want this as a collective diary that only I can write, read if I want to.

And if any of you peeps are reading this, you should stop. This is all totally unimportant. This is just how I manage to stay sane.

Or perhaps preserving my sanity is important...

I have this weird mentality that I will wait for whatever comes to me. Patiently wait. Wait for love, wait for money, wait for the sun to shine and wait for the rain to fall. All things good happen to those who wait, but when does waiting get too long? When does assertion have to jump in and kick patience in the ass?

I admit that I am too accommodating. I learned long ago not to call myself "too nice". One can never simply be too nice—niceness is a quality that should not be wasted. I should help out everybody and everything to the best of my abilities whenever I can. However, that shouldn't mean that I should drop my own priorities for the sake of someone else. Though I want to help out, I need to realize that I am my number one priority. I shouldn't hold other people up higher than I view myself. There's this little thing called self-esteem and the need to feel accepted that sort of... intercepts my own self-worth. It's quite ironic.

Though I am a firm believer in waiting for the right time and place, is the "right" time or place ever stated? Is it on a whim? Or is it impulse and intuition? Most of the time I fall with my intuition. And, most of the time it sets me on a greater path. I have great timing, and it's shown all throughout my life. But now that I am older, now that I can go see the world right now, tomorrow, if I wanted to, what am I exactly waiting for? This subject ties in with a lot of things that I've had weighing down on my mind lately. Some such topics will be for a later time. I don't know.

One such thing I have been thinking about is the concept of unconditional love. Unconditional literally means without a condition. Love, well, we all know what love is. But, do we understand what love is?—most specifically unconditional love?

This is perhaps one of the biggest things people want in their life. Someone to love them through their flaws, faults, habits, routine, annoyances, likes, dislikes, hates, and all things related. I know that I want that special someone in my life to love me up to the brim; I know that I want to love them more than I love myself. I don't even care about the sex, the intercourse, the "love making" if you will. I would be quite content with someone just holding me. It's really not too much to ask—but yes it is. Love is expensive. And, I'd imagine unconditional love is beyond price. What I don't understand is how someone can fully give themselves away to someone else. It's like walking on thin ice (pardon the cliche). It's stepping into the dark with a dying flashlight. It's that moment where you let yourself fall and hope that the other person is there behind you to catch you.

We all want love, yes. But I guard myself from it so much that sometimes I'd rather be alone than have to burden the other person to deal with my insecurities and personal rejection. I always say that "it's not worth it", especially with things regarding myself. It's not important. It's not worth it.

What exactly is not worth it? The fact that somebody cares for you? Am I selfish enough to self-indulge that I am not worth other people's time and care? I'm so damn backwards that it hurts to think about sometimes. Soak up the sun, revel in the fact that people genuinely want to know how you are doing, how you have been, what you are up to.

I part of it, I believe, is due to my parents. I'm afraid of giving my heart away because I don't want to end up like them. And this is a battle I'll be fighting for most of my life: the fact that I am not my parents and that I never will be. It's all my own choice. I build my own fate. And so this ties in with my feelings about time. Waiting. Waiting for something good, only to realize that I've waiting for so long that it has all turned bad. Why am I so cautious? Because that is in my personality. Side-step the issue until I cannot avoid it any longer.

I feel that this all has to do with my unspoken obligations to people. I finally declared myself as an English major with a concentration in writing. I cannot be happier. But, when I was in my rut, what was my motivation for being in school? I didn't want to learn anything. A lot of what I'm doing now I could do myself, or care less about. When the hell am I ever going to need statistics? I'm a damn writing major now! And all of these art classes, yeah it's great they are giving me direction, but I could have learned this all myself, by myself. Sometimes I just don't know, but I feel that I use that as a crutch.

I need school because I don't have a strict direction. It's all general, all haphazard. I go where ever I want to go. All I lack is the motivation. I have determination, but that is only fueled when I have specks on the horizon of what I want. What do I want? Where am I going? I promised others, as well as myself, that I'd finish college. That is a no-brainer. I'm too far in to quit now, and if any of you knew me, you'd understand that I hate quitting things that I've already started. That is why I've failed so many math classes: because I'm stubborn and prideful. I'm too prideful to ask for help in some subjects, and I'm too stubborn for everything else. I'm a walking contradiction, and it's horrible.

God put me here for a purpose. I just have to pray that I'll see it soon.

I've diverged and dove-tailed, but I'll leave the rest for another time.