The Importance of Being

Today my English teacher encouraged us to write and read blogs. This is kind of funny because I do "write blogs" (derp, whaddaya think this is??), but when I thought about it, they are nothing of real importance. Sometimes, there are more things to write about than the small instances in my life - a CD, for a concrete example. In past posts, I was writing for the sake of talking, and not for the sake of thinking. So, here's my feeble go at something "important", or rather, something that's serious.

We're reading 1984 in my class, and my teacher brought up the discussion of fears. Julia, one of the main characters in the novel, seemingly has no fear - she's an all-for-nothing, "Screw you Mom, I'm gonna blast my music loud and piss you and dad off!" kind of girl. She is, essentially, a rebellious teenager in a woman's body who flips Big Brother the bird, not giving a damn of the consequences. Winston, the main-main character of 1984, has many fears (getting caught by the Thought Police, getting vaporized, etc), but one of his biggest freak-outs are rats.

Rats.

It's like, really Winston? Rats? You're a pansy-ass...

Tying-in all of these facts made a great discussion, so my teacher, Mr. BadDragon, asked us:

What do you fear? 

Naturally, no one raises their hand (ironically, I was going to say some of my fears, but public speaking is one of them).

Are you afraid of snakes? Spiders?
Are you afraid of public speaking?
Are you afraid of losing a parent, or a pet?

Here, it hit me -

Are you afraid of never finding love?
Are you afraid of losing a loved one?

My heart skipped a beat, then began to anxiously flutter - the normally cold room started to get nervously warm. All throughout BadDragon's questioning, I was quietly glued to my chair, afraid to say out-loud to the class that I was afraid of death - not others' death, but mine; not exactly how I die, but what happens afterwards when you seep into nothingness, a memory. To those who are spiritual, yes I believe there's Heaven, but I don't want to stop breathing because I don't want to stop thinking. I can't imagine myself gone. The words of my teacher dawned on me - never finding love, losing a loved one, and even losing a parent...

These all made me feel that my fear of death was inferior.

I can worry all my life about when I die and what happens after it, but just thinking of love...either losing or never gaining it, makes a sad life, and makes me think that my own fear is utterly selfish. We all want love, and even if you want to deny it, we need it. It helps us carry on, it helps us grow. Like Julia, we're here to live in the moment, but like Winston, we still need to be careful and watch our next step. We all need to cherish what we have, and just go for it - why should I get freaked-out by the menial thoughts of me dying, when the thoughts of losing a best friend, never finding that special someone, and the truth that everyone dies at some point, are the harshest realities of all? I am a person who feels; I need to be reassured of the little things, as well as the big. Love brings you life, and those who don't have it are dead. But, worrying about dying, which is an obvious fact of life, is just a waste of time.

The amazing thing about it is that acceptance comes hand-in-hand with time; however, some don't even make it that far, and you can only come to terms with it, hoping that it'll all get better.

I'll say it again: Love brings you life, and those who don't have it are dead.

Stupid reflection rant is stupid.